I've heard people says things like, "it doesn't matter about the turkey/presents/football games/sweet potatoes/green bean casserole/rolls/pies----as long as we're together." I've never heard anyone say "It doesn't matter if we are together, as long as there is turkey/presents/football games . . etc." Yet 2020 has put some of us there. What can we do?

1) Be Gentle. This is year is different. You have already made it through so much. You have been resilient. If there are moments of sadness, that is okay. If there are times of anger, that is okay. If you are missing people, that is okay. If you are missing crowds and chaos and thousand of people shopping in one place, we need to talk. Be gentle on yourself and others. BUT. . .

2) Don't Dwell. You get to choose where you spend your time and emotional energy. Take a look at how long you are dwelling in "what isn't going to happen" versus dwelling in "the hope that things will change". We have learned we are in a world that changes suddenly--who's to say the next big change won't be one that benefits us all? Good can happen as suddenly as bad, but if we are living in the bad, we might not notice the good. SO . . .

3) Focus out. One of the best things I can do for myself when I am feeling depressed and lonely, is to reach out and help someone else. I will say with total confidence, that if you are able to read this, you are going to be okay. If you are reading this, you have something going for you. You have resources. You have chances. You have opportunities. Take the strengths you have and share them with others. Giving to others can help us deal with our sorrow and sadness.

As with everything, take what you can use and leave the rest. Your situation is unique to you. Your way to grieve is unique to you. But if you are feeling stuck, try being gentle, don't dwell and focus out.

With gratitude,
Tim


We had a great discussion last Wednesday around what we can do to prepare our hearts for forgiveness. We talked about NOT talking (well, refraining from the negative), looking out for the good around us and seeing if there are little options of goodness. I hope you can join us as we talk again on December 2 and discuss some of the guideposts on the journey of forgivness.

You need to register once to receive the link. There is no charge. 

Go to stoughtonhealth.com and click on "Classes and Events," scroll to a class in November and click on it. You will receive a website link and call-in phone number. If you have questions. please call Jen at 608-877-3485. (I am  grateful to Stoughton Hospital for this opportunity and their technical support in making this happen.)
If you received this from a friend and would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Write what you know . . . isn't that what they tell folks? Well, I know I went to the dentist. I know half of my mouth shouldn't be used for a bit. I know drinking coffee is not usually such an adventure. I know I thought about forgiveness and emotional wellness as I sat numbed while tools whirled in my mouth. Here are my numbed thoughts:

1) Little bits of food and bacteria can get caught between my teeth and my gums. This irritates my gums. If I don't take care of it, my gums get sensitive and bleed. Just like my emotions. Take a moment and think about what little thing might be irritating you in your life. Is it an irritation that you can let go of or is it an irritation that is lodged in your craw? Is some interaction, some comment, some thought, festering emotionally? 

2) I'm not perfect at daily oral hygiene and maintenance. I brush twice a day. I use dental picks . . . for two weeks or so after a dental visit. What is my emotional hygiene/maintenance program? I have been able to regularly start my day with prayer and meditation. Not for long periods of time, but enough to get me ready to start my day. For me that includes reminding myself that there are parts of my life I cannot control and I need to turn those parts over to my God/Higher Power. At night I try to pray, and lately I've been reviewing how I talked to myself that day. I've fallen into not being nice to myself. At night I can review how compassionate and loving I was to myself when I made mistakes or got irritated. Take a moment and reflect on what you use to keep yourself emotionally well. Do you have a destructive habit that you need to become aware of and slowly work to change? Do you need to offer yourself more loving kindness and compassion? What would make a difference to you to help you be emotionally healthy today?

3) I can't be my healthiest without help. I like my dentist. I appreciate the work she and her staff do. My teeth will not remain healthy if I stop going to the dentist. I also need people in my emotional life. Sometimes a counselor or therapist. Sometimes a minister/priest/Rabbi etc. I need to open up and let someone take a look at what is happening on my inside. I don't always see where I need help. Take a moment and think about who is in your life. Consider if it is time to open up and let someone else in? It doesn't need to be a professional--maybe it's a friend who understands how to be empathetic. None of us are independent. We all need . . .  somebody/a human touch/somebody to love/a hero.

I know I want to keep my teeth for a long time. I know I want to be emotionally healthy for a long time. I know I need to take care of my teeth and my emotions. I know I need to regularly take action to keep myself healthy. I know I need to be vulnerable and let safe people in to help me.

I hope you will find ways to maintain your emotional (and oral) health.

With gratitude,
Tim

I was honored and grateful to be joined by 10+ people on November 11th as we talked about how we can sometimes feel like we are drowning in negativity or unforgiveness. We talked about how we react to being hurt and how we protect ourselves. I am so grateful for the mercy and understanding the group showed as my end of the internet connection was challenging and distracting. 

Wednesday, November 18th we will be talking about how we can prepare to forgive. You might not be ready to decide to forgive someone who has hurt you. You might not think you will EVER be ready to forgive. The good news is that there are things we can do to help soften our hearts and entertain the possibility of forgiveness. I hope you can join us on the 18th. Even if you can only join once. Even if you weren't able to join last week. You do need to register to receive the link. There is no charge. 

Go to stoughtonhealth.com and click on "Classes and Events," scroll to a class in November and click on it. You will receive a website link and call-in phone number. If you have questions. please call Jen at 608-877-3485. (I am  grateful to Stoughton Hospital for this opportunity and their technical support in making this happen.)

In an odd turn of events, I get to sit out on my deck in November and write. Is this a beautiful day? Is it the last chance to enjoy the outside before the Wisconsin winter sets in? Is it a day to get things done? What is the right way to spend this day, to accept this gift?

You know there is no "right" answer
I guess today could include all of those options and none of those options. My options will change as the day progresses. But what if the answer is it doesn't matter what I do, but how I do it? I'm not talking about perfection, but what I am talking about is my attitude.

It goes back to the idea that only place I can be is HERE. The only time I have is NOW. I can spend time, emotions and energy wanting to be other places or wanting things in my reality to be different. OR I can choose to live HERE and NOW. Take this moment and live in it. Take the people I come across today and be with THEM. As I do laundry or watch football or clean windows or write--I acknowledge that it is how I CHOOSE to spend this moment. 

I could hijack the moment and choose to dwell on my pain, on my past, on my shortcomings, on my desires--but I can also choose not to let the moment be hijacked. I can slow down and notice the sights, smells and feel of the air around me. I can be grateful for this moment. I can pray and bring people into my thoughts and hold them close. I can live in this moment and not let it be highjacked by the "would've, could've, should'ves". So can you.

I hope you join me in the HERE and NOW.

With gratitude,
Tim

I invite you to join me on a journey. Please consider joining me this Wednesday night as we talk about Swimming in Unforgiveness. Even if you can only join once, please join. You do need to register to receive the link. There is no charge. 

Go to stoughtonhealth.com and click on "Classes and Events," scroll to a class in November and click on it. You will receive a website link and call-in phone number. If you have questions. please call Jen at 608-877-3485.

What has happened, where are we now, and how do we recover?

What has happened?
We have been witness to division, anger, aggression, meanness, incivility and  so much more. We have been living through a pandemic. We have felt pushed, pressed, pulled and maybe piled on. When we could safely gather with all our families and friends, maybe there was animosity, misunderstanding, disrespect and broken relationships as points of view became reasons for division.

We have also witnessed sacrifice, resiliency, adaptability, compassion, mercy and a desire for a more just world.

Where are we now?
We are trying to figure out how to work and be safe. We are choosing our national leadership for the near future. Maybe we are considering how we should react if we don't "win". No matter what happens, there will be millions of unhappy and frustrated people. We might be related to some of them or friends with some of them.

We are hopeful that no matter what happens, we can come together and move forward. We are hopeful that our desire for justice can grow as we come together. 

How do we recover?
I beg of you, if you have not considered forgiveness before, please consider it now. Consider forgiving the people who have insulted you, made you feel small, disrespected you. 

Consider the humanity of everyone involved. The candidates, the reporters, your friends and your family. Choose to see them as having inherent worth. They deserve basic respect just because they are human. So do you. 

Choose to not be satisfied with anger and unforgiveness. You can chose to listen. You can choose to try to understand. You can choose to live differently. You can choose to not hurt others. You can chose to heal and help others heal. You can choose forgiveness.

With gratitude,
Tim





I invite you to join me on a journey. I have not been able to teach my normal six week course, Freedom through Forgiveness; so I am excited to partner with Stoughton Health to offer some on-line content. Each month I will focus on different aspects of forgiveness. I hope to teach for 45 minutes and then have people interact for around 30 minutes. 

November 11th we kick it off with Swimming in Unforgiveness. Does the world around us encourage us to forgive or does it encourage us to hold onto our anger and resentments? Is forgiveness actually an option?

November 18th we move on to Preparing to Forgive. Even if we are not ready to forgive, what can we do to bring forgiveness closer to reality? How can we begin to consider forgiving?

I hope you will join me for one or many sessions over the next three months. Go to stoughtonhealth.com and click on "Classes and Events," scroll to a class in November and click on it. You will receive a website link and call-in phone number. If you have questions. please call Jen at 608-877-3485. There is no charge.

Last week, I wrote about how if someone feels they are a burden, if they feel everyone would be better off without them, they are at a higher risk for suicide. I then wrote about how forgiveness can help mitigate this feeling of burdensomeness and help us to see ourselves, and those that have hurt us, in a different way. Forgiveness can help relieve that feeling of burdensomeness.

Thwarted Belongingness
Another risk factor that has been studied by Joiner, Van Orden and others is the idea of Thwarted Belonging. The simplest way to explain this idea is that people begin to believe they don't fit in--anywhere.

In reflecting back on all the areas I never felt I belonged, I noticed some self-defeating behavior. I began new opportunities or new relationships believing that who I am is not good enough. I tried to figure out how to change and fit in. If I saw a behavior, even my own, that could be mocked, I mocked it first. I put myself down so that others would see that I agree with them, that I am a mess. Did they even think I'm a mess? Possibly not, but by the time I got done, I would have pushed them away with my negativity and my self-doubt. Sometimes I don't belong because I convince myself and others I am not good enough.

Other times, I have tried to be myself and have been met with ridicule and unacceptance. Worse than that, sometimes I have been brought close to being accepted and I get pumped up and built up and then I make a mistake and I find myself back on the outside. Sometimes people are mean. Some relationships are conditional.

Enter Forgiveness
One area that I continue to challenge myself is self-talk. What do I think about myself? What do I say to myself about myself? Do I extend loving kindness to myself? Am I even aware of the words I use to describe myself? My thoughts and my words will influence my beliefs and actions. I need to be aware of what I believe about myself and what I say about myself. If I don't believe I am worth anything, how do I expect others to look beyond my own negative assumptions to find the good in me? Check your self-talk.

Another area to look at is where I am struggling in my relationships. Am I trying to overcome a hurt that someone imposed on me? Am I pretending that I am not hurt? Am I pushing people away because they remind me of someone who has hurt me? If I can begin to forgive people who hurt me in the past, it helps me see my current relationships clearer.

For me, the key to overcoming thwarted belonging is to remind myself about inherent worth. I have worth. I am special, unique and irreplaceable. I am imperfect, but fixable. You are too.

I do not have to believe the people who have hurt me and lied to me. I can forgive them and repay them with kindness, acceptance and mercy. So can you. 

It takes courage to fight back against the negativity in the world around us. It seems we are supposed to be divided, but I don't believe that. I believe we all have worth and I believe we all belong. Forgiveness helps me remember this.

With gratitude,
Tim

In September, I had the opportunity to present on The Role of Forgiveness in Suicide Prevention and Recovery. Over the next few weeks I'd like to share some things I learned. Today, I want to look at one of the risk factors for suicide and how forgiveness can help protect us from that risk factor.

Perceived Burdensomeness
One risk factor that has been studied by Joiner, Van Orden and others is the idea of Perceived Burdensomeness. The simplest way to explain this idea is that people begin to believe that the world would be better off without them.

Over my decades on this earth, I have had many conversations with myself about how EVERYONE would be better off if I wasn't here. Sometimes the conversation involves looking back at the people I have hurt and wondering if they would have had better lives if I had never lived. Sometimes it is feeling like I am unfixable: I am broken and I will continue to hurt others and there is no hope in sight. In the past, I have thought about actively killing myself and other days I just wish a tree would fall on me so the world could be better...without me.

Enter Forgiveness
One part of the journey of forgiving others is to look at how their choices have effected me. How have the ways I have been hurt changed the way I think about myself and how the world works? If I can recognize that the reason I think I am no good, useless, and a burden goes back to when someone hurt me, then maybe I can at least consider that my thoughts about myself and my place in this world could be wrong. What if that person had not hurt me? What if I had different chances? Is it really ME who is the problem or have I actually survived through some really hard circumstances? 

The other consideration is what I believe about self-forgiveness. Do I believe that I have inherent worth? Do I believe I am more than my mistakes? Do I allow myself to see the good I have done? As I begin to forgive myself, I begin to see that I am NOT evil incarnate. I am NOT a destructive tornado ripping through people's lives. I am human. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes-just like EVERYONE else. I deserve forgiveness and understanding and patience, just like everyone else.

You do too.

With gratitude,
Tim

September was Suicide Prevention Month. If you are wondering if people would be better off without you, take a moment and call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. (Quote is from Project Happiness.)

I have learned the power of gratitude along my journey. I am in some groups that recommend a "gratitude journal"--an ongoing list of things to be grateful for. Lately, I have challenged myself to look beyond the obvious blessings and the great things I have going on in life. I am trying to look at the pain in my life and see if it has resulted in anything to be grateful for. Choosing gratitude through pain--that is radical gratitude.

Radical Gratitude
I don't think I will ever be grateful for the pain that others have inflicted onto me, or that I have inflicted onto myself. It hurt. It was wrong. It never should have happened. But as I grow older, I can look back and see if something worth being thankful for occurred because of that pain.

I am not thankful that I am an alcoholic. I was a jerk, unreliable, even dangerous at times. But I am thankful that I hit bottom very quickly and that I have friends who stayed with me through the ick. I am not thankful my dad was an alcoholic. But I am grateful that we were able to have a common language when we both entered into recovery.

I am not thankful for my depression. But I am thankful that in struggling, it brought me to find help. It also helps me connect with other people that are hurting. I am not thankful for disagreements I might have had with spiritual leaders. But I am thankful that now when I meet someone who has been hurt by religion, I have empathy and understanding and not judgement.

Practicing radical gratitude--finding something to be thankful for in the midst of pain--helps me battle my regrets and resentments. The less regrets and resentments I have, the more room I have for forgiveness.

One More Step in the Journey: Be . . .How can we prepare our hearts, minds and bodies to forgive? Forgiveness is not easy and it is not embraced by the world around us. Our hearts may be very hard toward a person who has hurt us. Our minds may be bombarded with constant mental messages about revenge. Our tight, clenched bodies may be carrying our resentments. We may not be ready TODAY to forgive, but we can prepare ourselves to be forgiving.

Be Aware, Quiet, Gentle, Grateful and BOLO for the Good
We started with four "Be"s:

1. Be AWARE of what is unsettling you.
2. Be QUIET and refrain from talking about others.
3. Be GENTLE with yourself and put aside perfectionism.
4. Be GRATEFUL.

We then added BOLO for the Good--Be On the Look Out for the Good.
Be Small, but Active
Our final step in preparing to forgive is to be small, but active. Don't get distracted by waiting to make grand gestures! Building forgiveness skills takes practice. Don't get distracted by the negative voice that tells you that you can never forgive, so why bother trying. Building forgiveness takes work.

In small ways begin to love. In small ways begin to show mercy. In small ways turn from the negative and choose the positive. Let someone merge into your lane. Smile. Choose to make someone dinner. Do some else's chores. Choose to send a note. Choose to find the good and point it out! 

Yes, it is world that appears to be in upheaval. Yes, there is yelling and arguing. You don't have to join in. Instead of a rebuttal, how about a note that says, "Thank you for being passionate." 

When we start small, but we START, we are preparing ourselves for bigger acts of love, bigger acts of mercy and beginning to forgive. 

With gratitude,
Tim

Looking for some insight and encouragement on forgiveness? Looking for it in bitesize, digestible pieces? Looking for something positive and meaningful?

Check out the International Forgiveness Institute Facebook page:
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