 In September, I had the opportunity to present on The Role of Forgiveness in Suicide Prevention and Recovery. Over the next few weeks I'd like to share some things I learned. Today, I want to look at one of the risk factors for suicide and how forgiveness can help protect us from that risk factor.
Perceived Burdensomeness One risk factor that has been studied by Joiner, Van Orden and others is the idea of Perceived Burdensomeness. The simplest way to explain this idea is that people begin to believe that the world would be better off without them. Over my decades on this earth, I have had many conversations with myself about how EVERYONE would be better off if I wasn't here. Sometimes the conversation involves looking back at the people I have hurt and wondering if they would have had better lives if I had never lived. Sometimes it is feeling like I am unfixable: I am broken and I will continue to hurt others and there is no hope in sight. In the past, I have thought about actively killing myself and other days I just wish a tree would fall on me so the world could be better...without me. Enter Forgiveness One part of the journey of forgiving others is to look at how their choices have effected me. How have the ways I have been hurt changed the way I think about myself and how the world works? If I can recognize that the reason I think I am no good, useless, and a burden goes back to when someone hurt me, then maybe I can at least consider that my thoughts about myself and my place in this world could be wrong. What if that person had not hurt me? What if I had different chances? Is it really ME who is the problem or have I actually survived through some really hard circumstances? The other consideration is what I believe about self-forgiveness. Do I believe that I have inherent worth? Do I believe I am more than my mistakes? Do I allow myself to see the good I have done? As I begin to forgive myself, I begin to see that I am NOT evil incarnate. I am NOT a destructive tornado ripping through people's lives. I am human. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes-just like EVERYONE else. I deserve forgiveness and understanding and patience, just like everyone else. You do too. With gratitude, Tim September was Suicide Prevention Month. If you are wondering if people would be better off without you, take a moment and call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. (Quote is from Project Happiness.)
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 I have learned the power of gratitude along my journey. I am in some groups that recommend a "gratitude journal"--an ongoing list of things to be grateful for. Lately, I have challenged myself to look beyond the obvious blessings and the great things I have going on in life. I am trying to look at the pain in my life and see if it has resulted in anything to be grateful for. Choosing gratitude through pain--that is radical gratitude.
Radical Gratitude I don't think I will ever be grateful for the pain that others have inflicted onto me, or that I have inflicted onto myself. It hurt. It was wrong. It never should have happened. But as I grow older, I can look back and see if something worth being thankful for occurred because of that pain. I am not thankful that I am an alcoholic. I was a jerk, unreliable, even dangerous at times. But I am thankful that I hit bottom very quickly and that I have friends who stayed with me through the ick. I am not thankful my dad was an alcoholic. But I am grateful that we were able to have a common language when we both entered into recovery. I am not thankful for my depression. But I am thankful that in struggling, it brought me to find help. It also helps me connect with other people that are hurting. I am not thankful for disagreements I might have had with spiritual leaders. But I am thankful that now when I meet someone who has been hurt by religion, I have empathy and understanding and not judgement. Practicing radical gratitude--finding something to be thankful for in the midst of pain--helps me battle my regrets and resentments. The less regrets and resentments I have, the more room I have for forgiveness.  As the October wind continues to gust around my yard, I see more and more colorful leaves dropping, floating, zig-zagging, plummeting to the ground. But not all of them. Some seem to want to hang around. Sounds like my journey.
Change As I journey through life and attempt to live a forgiving life, I need to change. I can't be satisfied with "well, that's just the way I am." I have to consider some ideas, thoughts, feelings, memories in a new way. If I want things to get better, something needs to change. If I want to feel differently, something needs to change. If I want to think differently, something needs to change. Sometimes change is brought about by outside forces that blow so hard through my life (like the wind and the leaves,) I have no choice but to change. Sometimes change is brought about internally (like the whole leaf coloring process) where I decide I need to change and I actively seek change. Change is hard But sometimes I don't want to change. I want to stay this hue. I want to stay attached to this tree. I want to hold onto my resentments. I want to keep my grudges. I want to stand firm until someone, somewhere agrees with how right I am and how I deserve to be resentful and grudgeful (and in pain) and even then, I may just feel vindicated, but still not let go. I can choose to hang on. Fall is an opportunity to stop and look at the dead leaves I might have hanging in my life. Am I hanging onto personal failure and clinging to what my life might have been if I had made different choices? Am I hanging onto the hurt someone inflicted on me in fear that if I see it differently, I might lose my identity? Am I hanging onto perfectionism? Am I hanging onto resentments? We are here today. We can't be anywhere else but here. We are here now. We can't fully exist in any other time but now. In the here and the now, you and I have choices as to what we want to let go of and what we want to hang onto. It is scary to let go. I can't promise a Spring with green leaves, rainbows and unicorns. But I can promise that if nothing changes, it will remain the same. I can promise if we never change, we will never realize the awesome, beautiful, loving, caring, forgiving person we are meant to be. What do you need to let go of? With gratitude, A Little Extra Borrowing from my fellow forgiveness laborer with Forgiveness Institute KC (www.yeabut.org ), I too would like to encourage you to check out a "Ted Talk" from Jean Paul Samputu, an advocate for Forgiveness working in Canada. Click the link below to enjoy his most profound 10 minute story. Thanks Chuck! Jean Paul Samputu at https://www.instagram.com/tv/CFKJbXbobG0/?igshid=1k2q6r5ph1f64 If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity. Thanks to Mehdi Babousan for sharing their work on Unsplash.  One More Step in the Journey: Be . . .How can we prepare our hearts, minds and bodies to forgive? Forgiveness is not easy and it is not embraced by the world around us. Our hearts may be very hard toward a person who has hurt us. Our minds may be bombarded with constant mental messages about revenge. Our tight, clenched bodies may be carrying our resentments. We may not be ready TODAY to forgive, but we can prepare ourselves to be forgiving.
Be Aware, Quiet, Gentle, Grateful and BOLO for the Good We started with four "Be"s:
Be Small, but Active Our final step in preparing to forgive is to be small, but active. Don't get distracted by waiting to make grand gestures! Building forgiveness skills takes practice. Don't get distracted by the negative voice that tells you that you can never forgive, so why bother trying. Building forgiveness takes work. In small ways begin to love. In small ways begin to show mercy. In small ways turn from the negative and choose the positive. Let someone merge into your lane. Smile. Choose to make someone dinner. Do some else's chores. Choose to send a note. Choose to find the good and point it out! Yes, it is world that appears to be in upheaval. Yes, there is yelling and arguing. You don't have to join in. Instead of a rebuttal, how about a note that says, "Thank you for being passionate." When we start small, but we START, we are preparing ourselves for bigger acts of love, bigger acts of mercy and beginning to forgive. With gratitude, Tim Looking for some insight and encouragement on forgiveness? Looking for it in bitesize, digestible pieces? Looking for something positive and meaningful? Check out the International Forgiveness Institute Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/internationalforgiveness/ If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity  Ever get sidetracked? I want to apologize for the unannounced hiatus from weekly postings. Part of me is super proud that I posted weekly for as long as I did (new record). Part of me is not. I am full of excuses why I don't do what I want to do, but I have few good reasons. I appreciate the feedback and the encouragement from all of you. I will keep writing, if you will keep reading. Be Aware, Quiet, Gentle and Grateful The last time I posted, I introduced the idea that forgiveness is a journey. Every journey has a starting point. Most people decide to go on a journey. The journey of forgiveness is a journey you can decide to take. But what if you don't feel ready? Is there anyway to prepare our hearts and our minds to begin the journey of forgiveness? We covered a few hints last time:
Be BOLO for the Good Yes, I enjoy all things CSI and Criminal Minds. In crime thrillers like these, the agents may put out a BOLO for a suspect. BOLO is shorthand for "Be On the Look Out" and refers to watching for a person of interest. We are on the look out for things every day, but sometimes we don't notice. Are you on the look out for poor drivers? Are you on the lookout for coworkers not pulling their weight? Are you on the lookout for any and all negative experiences that might possibly happen to you as you go throughout your day? We can get stuck seeing only the negative. We get so used to it, that we need something dramatic, like a big, vivid, double rainbow, or a GRAND GESTURE to move our needle to the positive side of the dial. What if we started our day with a BOLO for examples of compassionate driving, small acts of kindness, gestures of humility, expressions of understanding? What if we took a moment and decided to search for the good in the world in our daily lives. Looking for people making unselfish choices and using gentle words. Being aware of the goodness around us (it is there, I promise). Our challenge is that we may have trouble believing we can replace our resentments with love if we don't believe love is real. We can start believing by seeing the good that is around us. BOLO for the Good in your life. With gratitude, Tim  Jumpstart the Journey: Be . . .Forgiveness is a journey. It is a process. It takes work. Sometimes I feel like working on it and sometimes, well sometimes I just don't. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I want to wallow for a while. SIGH. Then I need to start again. Starting again can be hard. Fortunately there are some things we can practice to start to get our hearts and minds ready to forgive. We can practice these everyday, every week or however often you want to.
Be Aware The first thing we can do to jumpstart our journey is to be aware of actions and reactions. If I know I have to see a difficult coworker, do I notice the tenseness in my body? Do I begin to load verbal ammunition so I am ready? Do I assume this interaction will go like all the previous ones have? Be aware of what is happening in yourself before you get bumped. We need to be aware of who we are avoiding. Be aware of who is living rent free in your head. Be aware if you are reacting in a way that is helpful and healthy or in a way that is harmful. Be Quiet In the Freedom through Forgiveness class I teach, one of the first things I ask my students is to "shut up." Not in the class, but around those people that are upsetting them. Take a chance and be quiet. Don't join in when coworkers or family members verbally pile on someone. Don't continue repeating a long-standing narrative or family story. Don't jump into the fight. Step back, be quiet and be aware. Be Gentle Some of us have spent decades nursing our hurts and pampering our pain. We will not succeed at being aware, being quiet, being forgiving on the first try. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with the words you are saying to yourself, about yourself. Be patient as you try to jumpstart your journey. Be Grateful It really is amazing to me when I hold an "attitude of gratitude." Amazing when I am thankful for what I have been given and not angry at what I don't have. I'm amazed at the grace and forgiveness I have been given. Amazed at what I have accomplished. Be grateful and be amazed. You have already overcome so much. You can jumpstart your forgiveness journey, too. With gratitude, Tim  Enright Forgiveness Process was taken from https://internationalforgiveness.com/need-to-forgive.htm We have spent the last four weeks looking at the Basics of Forgiveness. Now it is time to step back and look at the process. Dr. Enright's model offers a 20 step, detailed process for forgiveness. He also recently wrote a condensed version in the book 8 Keys to Forgiveness. Both are based on the four phases of forgiveness (which I trust you will recognize if you have been following along the last four weeks).
Discovering One's Anger (Uncovering Phase) We cannot move forward until we take a look back and uncover the source of our hurt and pain.We begin to be honest about our pain, honest about the way we are interacting with the world. We begin to discover, and admit, that the hurt was unjust. We are careful not to wallow or to get stuck there, but use the discovery and truthful acceptance of the unjust injury as a jumping off point for the next phase. In my class, I use a "Who hurt me table" based on Dr. Enright's work to help determine who (unjustly) caused the hurt, how much it hurt and how much it effects my life today. Deciding to Forgiven (Decision Phase) We look at how we have been dealing with our hurt and our pain and decide it is not working. We need to find a new way to process, a new way to deal. We come to realize the amount of energy we are spending on resentments is being spent poorly. We decide to consider and move forward in trying forgiveness. We start by deciding to STOP entertaining our thoughts and desires of revenge against the one who hurt us. Work Phase We start to dig into changing the way we think, feel and act. We might look deeper into the offender's life and try to understand them better. We might consider what our faith background says about ALL people and about forgiveness. We begin to lay aside our assumptions and beliefs about the person and look at them with new eyes, seeing them in a new way. This may result in a softening of our heart toward them and we may find a genuine feeling of empathy for the person. We acknowledge the hurt and decide to stop spreading it around our lives. We decide to offer a gift of mercy, love and compassion to the person who hurt us, without any expectation of reciprocity from them. Outcome/Deepening Stage In the final stage we look back and see how we have grown through the process. We might look at what we have learned and how that can help others. We might find new passion and focus now that the distractions of resentment are falling away. We may decide that we can embark on a journey to forgive another. We might decide to incorporate the ideas behind forgiveness into our everyday lives. With gratitude, Tim Forgiveness Factor Home If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/. If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a forgiveness boost each week, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity  Thanks to Lina Trochez for sharing their work on Unsplash. Basics of Forgiveness (Part 4)--Offering Kindness I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive. Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope." "When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts." . . . but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love . . . When I am teaching the Freedom Through Forgiveness class and we begin to look at the definition of forgiveness, some people assure me that they want to forgive, are willing to forgive, but there is no way they will ever be kind toward their offender. I don't argue or try to convince them. I just ask them to keep coming back. How could I offer kindness? Some people insist they CANNOT offer kindness. They believe the offender is beyond redemption or kindness. Part of the work of forgiveness is "seeing with new eyes." As people begin to look closer at their offender, they begin to re-humanize them. I know there was a time when I referred to a couple of my offenders as "monsters" and "subhumans". I did not need to offer kindness or love or basic respect to a monster. But as I grew in forgiveness, I began to see them as special, unique and irreplaceable. I began to see that EVERYONE has "inherent worth". As I began to see what "inherent worth" meant, I learned I do not have the right or power to take away someone's "personhood card." Why should I offer kindness? One reason is because we are "seeing with new eyes" and have identified the person as having inherent worth. (See previous paragraph). Another reason is to consider how the gifts you are currently offering (neglect, distance, hate, anger, resentment, etc.) are working. Is what you are doing helping to relieve your pain? Is it helping you be the person you want to be? A third reason is because it gives you back power. Some people talk about the feeling of control the offender has over them. We get hurt by someone. We then dwell and think about it. We get reminded of it. We think about how to plot revenge. We spend our energy on negativity and anger which actually drains us of energy. We turn from the energy drain to areas of energy empowerment--compassion, kindness, empathy, love. We begin to see that we have options and choices as to how we deal with our feelings, on what we think about, about how we react. We take back power. What "counts" as kindness? I think this is a great area to explore. Maybe kindness starts by not talking about the person to other people. Maybe it starts by acknowledging the person exists. Maybe it's a card. Maybe it's a prayer. Maybe it starts with refusing to dwell on the negative. Maybe it's a gift or donation to a charity. Maybe it's a text or a call. But remember, this is another step in the journey of forgiveness. Jumping ahead without doing the work will not help. I know it doesn't make sense in our "I am offended" and "Get them before they get you" culture to offer kindness in response to hurt, but it is a better way to live. It is through offering kindness in response to hatred and compassion in response to hurt, that we can find freedom. With gratitude, Tim A Little Something Extra If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/. If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity   Basics of Forgiveness (Part 3)--Do I have right to resentment? I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive. Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope." "When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts." . . . not by denying our right to the resentment, . . . One of my stumbling blocks to forgiveness (yes it was/is hard for me), was acknowledging a "right to resentment". This "right" went against my spiritual beliefs (or so I thought) and my self beliefs. My spiritual background included the idea that we are all imperfect and need a higher power. Not a problem. It included the idea of "suffering" and "turning the other cheek". Add to that a strong component of the need to forgive others because I have been forgiven. I believed that because everyone was imperfect and I was called to forgive everyone, then there must be something wrong with me if I can't forgive. Something wrong with me if I am "hurt" by an imperfect person. Shouldn't I know and understand they can't help themselves? I should just turn it all over to God. I would absolve people who hurt me and blame myself for the pain. This is not a correct interpretation of "spiritual suffering". My self beliefs managed to grow into an intense dislike for myself. I knew others made mistakes, but I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. My mistakes hurt people. I wasn't supposed to hurt people, Because I hurt people, I did not deserve to be free from pain. Others hurting me, myself hurting myself, was just punishment for my crimes against humanity. What have I learned? By the grace of God, by people continuing to love me, by learning about and practicing forgiveness, I have learned that no matter who I believe I am--that belief does not give people the right to hurt me. And if I am unfairly hurt, then I have a right to an emotional/physical/spiritual reaction to that pain. If you have been hurt by another, you have a right to a reaction to that pain--even a resentment. But we come to a point in our lives where we have to look at how much we were hurt by that person versus how much holding onto that resentment is now hurting us. You, and I, are special, unique and irreplaceable. We do make mistakes, but those mistakes do not mean others may mistreat us, abuse us, hurt us. Other people make mistakes, but that does not give them the right to mistreat us, abuse us. hurt us. We have hurt other people, but that does not give us the right to mistreat ourselves, abuse ourselves or hurt ourselves. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness includes admitting I have been hurt by another. It includes admitting that I have been dealing with this pain in a way that is no longer working. The resentment is now bigger than the hurt and I can't deal with it. Forgiveness tells us we matter so much that we don't need to carry around this resentment. We matter so much that it is not okay for others to hurt us. We matter. I matter. YOU matter. With gratitude, Tim A Little Something Extra If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/. If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity   Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash Forgiveness Factor: Basics of Forgiveness (Part 2) I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive. Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope." "When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts." . . . we forgive when we overcome our resentment toward the offender, . . . Sure sounds easy! "Identify the resentment and overcome it." If only it was as easy to do as it to say. But it's not. We need to deal with the fact we have a resentment that is intruding into our lives. Some of us may not want to admit we resent the way someone treated us because we think it just gives them more power over us; some of us may not be willing to admit to a resentment because the person we resent is a relative or a dear friend and we are supposed to love them; some of us may not want to admit we resent someone because it makes us feel weak or out of control. Regardless of the reason, we need to come to grips with the fact that we are carrying around a big old resentment. What does resentment look like? This resentment may show itself in the way we avoid interacting with the person. The way we say we want them to be happy, but we don't mean it. The way they occupy our thoughts and we keep rehearsing the wrong over and over in our minds. The way we get sick to our stomachs when something good happens to them. The way we can't understand how anyone else could get along with them. The way we thought we had dealt with it (them) by moving, avoiding, fighting, distancing--but it feels like they still have influence over our happiness. Resentment sucks the joy out of life. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness isn't about pretending you don't resent someone. It's not about pretending you were never hurt. It's not about lying to yourself that it really doesn't matter. It's not about separating from our past or our reality. It's about overcoming our resentments. It's about accepting the pain, accepting we can be hurt, accepting that our past or current reality isn't everything we want it to be. It's about believing that I have not achieved my best self yet, but I can work toward it. Forgiveness can change us and can change our reality. Forgiveness shows us areas we can look at, teaches us skills we can practice, and gives us new attitudes to have toward people. We may not overcome our resentments today, or tomorrow, or the next day. But I am pretty sure, if we never decide to overcome them, we never will. I am also pretty sure forgiveness is a way to break free from those resentments and take another step toward becoming our best selves. With gratitude, Tim A Little Something Extra If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/. If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity |
AuthorTim Markle has been practicing forgiveness for many years and teaching others how to forgive for five. Archives
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