Forgiveness Factor: Basics of Forgiveness (Part 2)
I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.

Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."
 
"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."
 

. . . we forgive when we overcome our resentment toward the offender, . . . 

Sure sounds easy! "Identify the resentment and overcome it." If only it was as easy to do as it to say. But it's not.

We need to deal with the fact we have a resentment that is intruding into our lives. Some of us may not want to admit we resent the way someone treated us because we think it just gives them more power over us; some of us may not be willing to admit to a resentment because the person we resent is a relative or a dear friend and we are supposed to love them; some of us may not want to admit we resent someone because it makes us feel weak or out of control. Regardless of the reason, we need to come to grips with the fact that we are carrying around a big old resentment.

What does resentment look like?

This resentment may show itself in the way we avoid interacting with the person. The way we say we want them to be happy, but we don't mean it. The way they occupy our thoughts and we keep rehearsing the wrong over and over in our minds. The way we get sick to our stomachs when something good happens to them. The way we can't understand how anyone else could get along with them. The way we thought we had dealt with it (them) by moving, avoiding, fighting, distancing--but it feels like they still have influence over our happiness. Resentment sucks the joy out of life.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness isn't about pretending you don't resent someone. It's not about pretending you were never hurt. It's not about lying to yourself that it really doesn't matter. It's not about separating from our past or our reality. It's about overcoming our resentments. It's about accepting the pain, accepting we can be hurt, accepting that our past or current reality isn't everything we want it to be. It's about believing that I have not achieved my best self yet, but I can work toward it. Forgiveness can change us and can change our reality. Forgiveness shows us areas we can look at, teaches us skills we can practice, and gives us new attitudes to have toward people. We may not overcome our resentments today, or tomorrow, or the next day. But I am pretty sure, if we never decide to overcome them, we never will. I am also pretty sure forgiveness is a way to break free from those resentments and take another step toward becoming our best selves.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Forgiveness Factor: Basics of Forgiveness (Part 1)I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.
Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."

"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."

When unjustly hurt by another . . .

Even the first words of the definition can cause some trouble. We can look back and see where someone treated us in a way we didn't like or appreciate, but was it unjust? Let's pretend my child lies to me. I respond by sending her to her room for an hour. I decide to show mercy and tell her she can come out after 30 minutes. We begin talking about how lying can hurt people and is not the way I expect her to act. She responds with "I understand Daddy and I forgive you for sending me to my room." Wait a minute.

Was I unjust? No. So now we have to have a discussion about forgiveness.

As I look back over the hurts in my life, I need to understand when I was treated unjustly and not only in a way I didn't like. If my coworker doesn't say "good morning" every day and I don't like it because I consider it polite to acknowledge people, do I really need to be hurt? Is it unjust, especially if he doesn't say "good morning" to anyone?

As an adult I also have the capacity to step back and see how I might have influenced the interaction. There are many times that I have been hurt unjustly, but also many times I have (over)reacted unjustly and hurt others in the process. When we begin to look at how we have been hurt by others, we will probably unearth ways we have hurt others. In learning to forgive, we will need to also learn how to seek forgiveness.

But most times, we can spot the injustice. 

​In the course of teaching forgiveness, I have heard many accounts of injustice. Sometimes, the person is afraid to name the action as "unjust." They feel they deserved it (no!), or that it was acceptable behavior--back then (no!), or it was the addiction and so I can't hold the person responsible (no!). Some of us will continue to make excuses for the people who hurt us. Sometimes we don't want to believe someone who was supposed to love us, could betray us and hurt us. Sometimes we have decided that to feel hurt is to be weak and we refuse to be weak. Sometimes the pain is so great, we refuse to face it; like when we need to identify the reality that what we consider to be a "hard childhood" was really a traumatic, life changing experience that we need to heal from.

The good news is that once we are able to sort through our pains--which ones I need to deal with and others that have not affected me, which ones I had a role in and can take responsibility, which ones hurt and changed me; then I can begin to choose how to deal with the injustice instead of continuing to run, hide, pretend . . etc. When I can see that I have been unjustly hurt by another, this is when "forgiveness" can begin to be considered as a real way to deal with our pain.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra
​
If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive weekly Forgiveness Boosts,  please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Forgiveness Factor: Boundaries -- Moving Forward

Last week, we considered how boundaries can help give us space to consider forgiveness. What about after we have decided to forgive?

Boundaries can help us practice forgiveness.
If you are anything like me, your unforgiveness and bitterness didn't just start today. It has built up over time. My struggles with boundaries have also built up over time. Please give yourself the gift of time to practice forgiveness and practice boundary setting. It is possible you will not get it right the first time.

When you choose to forgive someone, you are choosing to change the way you talk about them, think about them and act toward them. You are choosing to offer goodness to someone who has hurt you. When you are choosing to set boundaries, you are choosing to change the way you interact with someone. Change takes time. Setting boundaries can help us take small steps in forgiveness.

Small steps
When you have worked through the process of forgiveness, you will be ready to offer goodness to the person who hurt you instead of anger or indifference. Start small. One first step might be to not talk poorly about the person to others. A next step might be a card or a note--some sort of acknowledgement. Then maybe it's an invitation to get together and talk.

When we begin to choose to forgive, we might need to set small boundary steps as well. Maybe we can call each other, but start with a short time limit. Maybe we can meet, but I will bring a friend. Maybe we can talk, but any discussion of money is not allowed. Setting small boundaries as we work small steps of kindness can help us succeed. 

Forgiveness and reconciliation
Just a quick reminder that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. You can forgive someone and not reconcile with them--they may have passed away, they may not want to be reconciled with you, they may be continuing in a harmful lifestyle that you don't need to be a part of. Reconciliation involves both parties wanting to restore a relationship. You can still forgive and you can still offer them mercy and goodness without reconciling.

Finally, we may need to set boundaries on our own thoughts and actions as part of forgiving ourselves. More on that later.
 
With gratitude,
Tim

Something extra
Forgiveness precedes reconciliation“When people reconcile, they come together again in mutual trust following a division caused by at least one person’s unfairness. In my view, giving and receiving forgiveness precede genuine reconciliation, otherwise remnants of resentment can make people stand a bit to one side and not enter into a relationship as before.”

(Robert Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice, p. 263)
Posted June 2, 2020 at https://www.facebook.com/internationalforgiveness

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity