We have spent the last four weeks looking at the Basics of Forgiveness. Now it is time to step back and look at the process. Dr. Enright's model offers a 20 step, detailed process for forgiveness. He also recently wrote a condensed version in the book 8 Keys to Forgiveness. Both are based on the four phases of forgiveness (which I trust you will recognize if you have been following along the last four weeks).

Discovering One's Anger (Uncovering Phase)
We cannot move forward until we take a look back and uncover the source of our hurt and pain.We begin to be honest about our pain, honest about the way we are interacting with the world. We begin to discover, and admit, that the hurt was unjust. We are careful not to wallow or to get stuck there, but use the discovery and truthful  acceptance of the unjust injury as a jumping off point for the next phase. In my class, I use a "Who hurt me table"  based on Dr. Enright's work to help determine who (unjustly) caused the hurt, how much it hurt and how much it effects my life today.

Deciding to Forgiven (Decision Phase)
We look at how we have been dealing with our hurt and our pain and decide it is not working. We need to find a new way to process, a new way to deal. We come to realize the amount of energy we are spending on resentments is being spent poorly. We decide to consider and move forward in trying forgiveness. We start by deciding to STOP entertaining our thoughts and desires of revenge against the one who hurt us.

Work Phase
We start to dig into changing the way we think, feel and act. We might look deeper into the offender's life and try to understand them better. We might consider what our faith background says about ALL people and about forgiveness. We begin to lay aside our assumptions and beliefs about the person and look at them with new eyes, seeing them in a new way. This may result in a softening of our heart toward them and we may find a genuine feeling of empathy for the person. We acknowledge the hurt and decide to stop spreading it around our lives. We decide to offer a gift of mercy, love and compassion to the person who hurt us, without any expectation of reciprocity from them.

Outcome/Deepening Stage
In the final stage we look back and see how we have grown through the process. We might look at what we have learned and how that can help others. We might find new passion and focus now that the distractions of resentment are falling away. We may decide that we can embark on a journey to forgive another. We might decide to incorporate the ideas behind forgiveness into our everyday lives.

With gratitude,

Tim
Forgiveness Factor Home

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a forgiveness boost each week, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Basics of Forgiveness (Part 4)--Offering Kindness
I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.

Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."

"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."
 
. . . but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love . . .

When I am teaching the Freedom Through Forgiveness class and we begin to look at the definition of forgiveness, some people assure me that they want to forgive, are willing to forgive, but there is no way they will ever be kind toward their offender. I don't argue or try to convince them. I just ask them to keep coming back.

How could I offer kindness?
Some people insist they CANNOT offer kindness. They believe the offender is beyond redemption or kindness. Part of the work of forgiveness is "seeing with new eyes." As people begin to look closer at their offender, they begin to re-humanize them. I know there was a time when I referred to a couple of my offenders as "monsters" and "subhumans". I did not need to offer kindness or love or basic respect to a monster. But as I grew in forgiveness, I began to see them as special, unique and irreplaceable. I began to see that EVERYONE has "inherent worth". As I began to see what "inherent worth" meant, I learned I do not have the right or power to take away someone's "personhood card."

Why should I offer kindness?
One reason is because we are "seeing with new eyes" and have identified the person as having inherent worth. (See previous paragraph).

Another reason is to consider how the gifts you are currently offering (neglect, distance, hate, anger, resentment, etc.) are working. Is what you are doing helping to relieve your pain? Is it helping you be the person you want to be? 

A third reason is because it gives you back power. Some people talk about the feeling of control the offender has over them. We get hurt by someone. We then dwell and think about it. We get reminded of it. We think about how to plot revenge. We spend our energy on negativity and anger which actually drains us of energy. We turn from the energy drain to areas of energy empowerment--compassion, kindness, empathy, love. We begin to see that we have options and choices as to how we deal with our feelings, on what we think about, about how we react. We take back power.

What "counts" as kindness?
I think this is a great area to explore. Maybe kindness starts by not talking about the person to other people. Maybe it starts by acknowledging the person exists. Maybe it's a card. Maybe it's a prayer. Maybe it starts with refusing to dwell on the negative. Maybe it's a gift or donation to a charity. Maybe it's a text or a call. But remember, this is another step in the journey of forgiveness. Jumping ahead without doing the work will not help.

I know it doesn't make sense in our "I am offended" and "Get them before they get you" culture to offer kindness in response to hurt, but it is a better way to live. It is through offering kindness in response to hatred and compassion in response to hurt, that we can find freedom.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Basics of Forgiveness (Part 3)--Do I have right to resentment?
I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.

Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."
 
"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."
 
. . . not by denying our right to the resentment, . . . 

One of my stumbling blocks to forgiveness (yes it was/is hard for me), was acknowledging a "right to resentment". This "right" went against my spiritual beliefs (or so I thought) and my self beliefs.

My spiritual background included the idea that we are all imperfect and need a higher power. Not a problem. It included the idea of "suffering" and "turning the other cheek". Add to that a strong component of  the need to forgive others because I have been forgiven. I believed that because everyone was imperfect and I was called to forgive everyone, then there must be something wrong with me if I can't forgive. Something wrong with me if I am "hurt" by an imperfect person. Shouldn't I know and understand they can't help themselves? I should just turn it all over to God. I would absolve people who hurt me and blame myself for the pain. This is not a correct interpretation of "spiritual suffering". 

My self beliefs managed to grow into an intense dislike for myself. I knew others made mistakes, but I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. My mistakes hurt people. I wasn't supposed to hurt people, Because I hurt people, I did not deserve to be free from pain. Others hurting me, myself hurting myself, was just punishment for my crimes against humanity.

What have I learned?

By the grace of God, by people continuing to love me, by learning about and practicing forgiveness, I have learned that no matter who I believe I am--that belief does not give people the right to hurt me. And if I am unfairly hurt, then I have a right to an emotional/physical/spiritual reaction to that pain. 

If you have been hurt by another, you have a right to a reaction to that pain--even a resentment. But we come to a point in our lives where we have to look at how much we were hurt by that person versus how much holding onto that resentment is now hurting us. You, and I, are special, unique and irreplaceable. We do make mistakes, but those mistakes do not mean others may mistreat us, abuse us, hurt us. Other people make mistakes, but that does not give them the right to mistreat us, abuse us. hurt us. We have hurt other people, but that does not give us the right to mistreat ourselves, abuse ourselves or hurt ourselves.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness includes admitting I have been hurt by another. It includes admitting that I have been dealing with this pain in a way that is no longer working. The resentment is now bigger than the hurt and I can't deal with it. Forgiveness tells us we matter so much that we don't need to carry around this resentment. We matter so much that it is not okay for others to hurt us. We matter. I matter. YOU matter.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost,  please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity