We have spent the last four weeks looking at the Basics of Forgiveness. Now it is time to step back and look at the process. Dr. Enright's model offers a 20 step, detailed process for forgiveness. He also recently wrote a condensed version in the book 8 Keys to Forgiveness. Both are based on the four phases of forgiveness (which I trust you will recognize if you have been following along the last four weeks).

Discovering One's Anger (Uncovering Phase)
We cannot move forward until we take a look back and uncover the source of our hurt and pain.We begin to be honest about our pain, honest about the way we are interacting with the world. We begin to discover, and admit, that the hurt was unjust. We are careful not to wallow or to get stuck there, but use the discovery and truthful  acceptance of the unjust injury as a jumping off point for the next phase. In my class, I use a "Who hurt me table"  based on Dr. Enright's work to help determine who (unjustly) caused the hurt, how much it hurt and how much it effects my life today.

Deciding to Forgiven (Decision Phase)
We look at how we have been dealing with our hurt and our pain and decide it is not working. We need to find a new way to process, a new way to deal. We come to realize the amount of energy we are spending on resentments is being spent poorly. We decide to consider and move forward in trying forgiveness. We start by deciding to STOP entertaining our thoughts and desires of revenge against the one who hurt us.

Work Phase
We start to dig into changing the way we think, feel and act. We might look deeper into the offender's life and try to understand them better. We might consider what our faith background says about ALL people and about forgiveness. We begin to lay aside our assumptions and beliefs about the person and look at them with new eyes, seeing them in a new way. This may result in a softening of our heart toward them and we may find a genuine feeling of empathy for the person. We acknowledge the hurt and decide to stop spreading it around our lives. We decide to offer a gift of mercy, love and compassion to the person who hurt us, without any expectation of reciprocity from them.

Outcome/Deepening Stage
In the final stage we look back and see how we have grown through the process. We might look at what we have learned and how that can help others. We might find new passion and focus now that the distractions of resentment are falling away. We may decide that we can embark on a journey to forgive another. We might decide to incorporate the ideas behind forgiveness into our everyday lives.

With gratitude,

Tim
Forgiveness Factor Home

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a forgiveness boost each week, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Basics of Forgiveness (Part 4)--Offering Kindness
I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.

Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."

"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."
 
. . . but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love . . .

When I am teaching the Freedom Through Forgiveness class and we begin to look at the definition of forgiveness, some people assure me that they want to forgive, are willing to forgive, but there is no way they will ever be kind toward their offender. I don't argue or try to convince them. I just ask them to keep coming back.

How could I offer kindness?
Some people insist they CANNOT offer kindness. They believe the offender is beyond redemption or kindness. Part of the work of forgiveness is "seeing with new eyes." As people begin to look closer at their offender, they begin to re-humanize them. I know there was a time when I referred to a couple of my offenders as "monsters" and "subhumans". I did not need to offer kindness or love or basic respect to a monster. But as I grew in forgiveness, I began to see them as special, unique and irreplaceable. I began to see that EVERYONE has "inherent worth". As I began to see what "inherent worth" meant, I learned I do not have the right or power to take away someone's "personhood card."

Why should I offer kindness?
One reason is because we are "seeing with new eyes" and have identified the person as having inherent worth. (See previous paragraph).

Another reason is to consider how the gifts you are currently offering (neglect, distance, hate, anger, resentment, etc.) are working. Is what you are doing helping to relieve your pain? Is it helping you be the person you want to be? 

A third reason is because it gives you back power. Some people talk about the feeling of control the offender has over them. We get hurt by someone. We then dwell and think about it. We get reminded of it. We think about how to plot revenge. We spend our energy on negativity and anger which actually drains us of energy. We turn from the energy drain to areas of energy empowerment--compassion, kindness, empathy, love. We begin to see that we have options and choices as to how we deal with our feelings, on what we think about, about how we react. We take back power.

What "counts" as kindness?
I think this is a great area to explore. Maybe kindness starts by not talking about the person to other people. Maybe it starts by acknowledging the person exists. Maybe it's a card. Maybe it's a prayer. Maybe it starts with refusing to dwell on the negative. Maybe it's a gift or donation to a charity. Maybe it's a text or a call. But remember, this is another step in the journey of forgiveness. Jumping ahead without doing the work will not help.

I know it doesn't make sense in our "I am offended" and "Get them before they get you" culture to offer kindness in response to hurt, but it is a better way to live. It is through offering kindness in response to hatred and compassion in response to hurt, that we can find freedom.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Basics of Forgiveness (Part 3)--Do I have right to resentment?
I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.

Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."
 
"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."
 
. . . not by denying our right to the resentment, . . . 

One of my stumbling blocks to forgiveness (yes it was/is hard for me), was acknowledging a "right to resentment". This "right" went against my spiritual beliefs (or so I thought) and my self beliefs.

My spiritual background included the idea that we are all imperfect and need a higher power. Not a problem. It included the idea of "suffering" and "turning the other cheek". Add to that a strong component of  the need to forgive others because I have been forgiven. I believed that because everyone was imperfect and I was called to forgive everyone, then there must be something wrong with me if I can't forgive. Something wrong with me if I am "hurt" by an imperfect person. Shouldn't I know and understand they can't help themselves? I should just turn it all over to God. I would absolve people who hurt me and blame myself for the pain. This is not a correct interpretation of "spiritual suffering". 

My self beliefs managed to grow into an intense dislike for myself. I knew others made mistakes, but I wasn't allowed to make mistakes. My mistakes hurt people. I wasn't supposed to hurt people, Because I hurt people, I did not deserve to be free from pain. Others hurting me, myself hurting myself, was just punishment for my crimes against humanity.

What have I learned?

By the grace of God, by people continuing to love me, by learning about and practicing forgiveness, I have learned that no matter who I believe I am--that belief does not give people the right to hurt me. And if I am unfairly hurt, then I have a right to an emotional/physical/spiritual reaction to that pain. 

If you have been hurt by another, you have a right to a reaction to that pain--even a resentment. But we come to a point in our lives where we have to look at how much we were hurt by that person versus how much holding onto that resentment is now hurting us. You, and I, are special, unique and irreplaceable. We do make mistakes, but those mistakes do not mean others may mistreat us, abuse us, hurt us. Other people make mistakes, but that does not give them the right to mistreat us, abuse us. hurt us. We have hurt other people, but that does not give us the right to mistreat ourselves, abuse ourselves or hurt ourselves.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness includes admitting I have been hurt by another. It includes admitting that I have been dealing with this pain in a way that is no longer working. The resentment is now bigger than the hurt and I can't deal with it. Forgiveness tells us we matter so much that we don't need to carry around this resentment. We matter so much that it is not okay for others to hurt us. We matter. I matter. YOU matter.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost,  please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Forgiveness Factor: Basics of Forgiveness (Part 2)
I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.

Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."
 
"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."
 

. . . we forgive when we overcome our resentment toward the offender, . . . 

Sure sounds easy! "Identify the resentment and overcome it." If only it was as easy to do as it to say. But it's not.

We need to deal with the fact we have a resentment that is intruding into our lives. Some of us may not want to admit we resent the way someone treated us because we think it just gives them more power over us; some of us may not be willing to admit to a resentment because the person we resent is a relative or a dear friend and we are supposed to love them; some of us may not want to admit we resent someone because it makes us feel weak or out of control. Regardless of the reason, we need to come to grips with the fact that we are carrying around a big old resentment.

What does resentment look like?

This resentment may show itself in the way we avoid interacting with the person. The way we say we want them to be happy, but we don't mean it. The way they occupy our thoughts and we keep rehearsing the wrong over and over in our minds. The way we get sick to our stomachs when something good happens to them. The way we can't understand how anyone else could get along with them. The way we thought we had dealt with it (them) by moving, avoiding, fighting, distancing--but it feels like they still have influence over our happiness. Resentment sucks the joy out of life.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness isn't about pretending you don't resent someone. It's not about pretending you were never hurt. It's not about lying to yourself that it really doesn't matter. It's not about separating from our past or our reality. It's about overcoming our resentments. It's about accepting the pain, accepting we can be hurt, accepting that our past or current reality isn't everything we want it to be. It's about believing that I have not achieved my best self yet, but I can work toward it. Forgiveness can change us and can change our reality. Forgiveness shows us areas we can look at, teaches us skills we can practice, and gives us new attitudes to have toward people. We may not overcome our resentments today, or tomorrow, or the next day. But I am pretty sure, if we never decide to overcome them, we never will. I am also pretty sure forgiveness is a way to break free from those resentments and take another step toward becoming our best selves.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra

If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive a weekly Forgiveness Boost, please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Forgiveness Factor: Basics of Forgiveness (Part 1)I want to take a deeper look at what forgiveness is (and is not) to help us better understand how and why to forgive.
Let's start with the definition Dr. Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, uses in his book, "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope."

"When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts."

When unjustly hurt by another . . .

Even the first words of the definition can cause some trouble. We can look back and see where someone treated us in a way we didn't like or appreciate, but was it unjust? Let's pretend my child lies to me. I respond by sending her to her room for an hour. I decide to show mercy and tell her she can come out after 30 minutes. We begin talking about how lying can hurt people and is not the way I expect her to act. She responds with "I understand Daddy and I forgive you for sending me to my room." Wait a minute.

Was I unjust? No. So now we have to have a discussion about forgiveness.

As I look back over the hurts in my life, I need to understand when I was treated unjustly and not only in a way I didn't like. If my coworker doesn't say "good morning" every day and I don't like it because I consider it polite to acknowledge people, do I really need to be hurt? Is it unjust, especially if he doesn't say "good morning" to anyone?

As an adult I also have the capacity to step back and see how I might have influenced the interaction. There are many times that I have been hurt unjustly, but also many times I have (over)reacted unjustly and hurt others in the process. When we begin to look at how we have been hurt by others, we will probably unearth ways we have hurt others. In learning to forgive, we will need to also learn how to seek forgiveness.

But most times, we can spot the injustice. 

​In the course of teaching forgiveness, I have heard many accounts of injustice. Sometimes, the person is afraid to name the action as "unjust." They feel they deserved it (no!), or that it was acceptable behavior--back then (no!), or it was the addiction and so I can't hold the person responsible (no!). Some of us will continue to make excuses for the people who hurt us. Sometimes we don't want to believe someone who was supposed to love us, could betray us and hurt us. Sometimes we have decided that to feel hurt is to be weak and we refuse to be weak. Sometimes the pain is so great, we refuse to face it; like when we need to identify the reality that what we consider to be a "hard childhood" was really a traumatic, life changing experience that we need to heal from.

The good news is that once we are able to sort through our pains--which ones I need to deal with and others that have not affected me, which ones I had a role in and can take responsibility, which ones hurt and changed me; then I can begin to choose how to deal with the injustice instead of continuing to run, hide, pretend . . etc. When I can see that I have been unjustly hurt by another, this is when "forgiveness" can begin to be considered as a real way to deal with our pain.

With gratitude,
Tim

A Little Something Extra
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If you are looking for a place to dig into forgiveness, ask Dr. Enright a question, become part of the "Drive For Others' Lives" campaign, read a cool blog, or see what books Dr. Enright has written, please check out the International Forgiveness Institute at https://internationalforgiveness.com/.

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community and receive weekly Forgiveness Boosts,  please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

Forgiveness Factor: Boundaries -- Moving Forward

Last week, we considered how boundaries can help give us space to consider forgiveness. What about after we have decided to forgive?

Boundaries can help us practice forgiveness.
If you are anything like me, your unforgiveness and bitterness didn't just start today. It has built up over time. My struggles with boundaries have also built up over time. Please give yourself the gift of time to practice forgiveness and practice boundary setting. It is possible you will not get it right the first time.

When you choose to forgive someone, you are choosing to change the way you talk about them, think about them and act toward them. You are choosing to offer goodness to someone who has hurt you. When you are choosing to set boundaries, you are choosing to change the way you interact with someone. Change takes time. Setting boundaries can help us take small steps in forgiveness.

Small steps
When you have worked through the process of forgiveness, you will be ready to offer goodness to the person who hurt you instead of anger or indifference. Start small. One first step might be to not talk poorly about the person to others. A next step might be a card or a note--some sort of acknowledgement. Then maybe it's an invitation to get together and talk.

When we begin to choose to forgive, we might need to set small boundary steps as well. Maybe we can call each other, but start with a short time limit. Maybe we can meet, but I will bring a friend. Maybe we can talk, but any discussion of money is not allowed. Setting small boundaries as we work small steps of kindness can help us succeed. 

Forgiveness and reconciliation
Just a quick reminder that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. You can forgive someone and not reconcile with them--they may have passed away, they may not want to be reconciled with you, they may be continuing in a harmful lifestyle that you don't need to be a part of. Reconciliation involves both parties wanting to restore a relationship. You can still forgive and you can still offer them mercy and goodness without reconciling.

Finally, we may need to set boundaries on our own thoughts and actions as part of forgiving ourselves. More on that later.
 
With gratitude,
Tim

Something extra
Forgiveness precedes reconciliation“When people reconcile, they come together again in mutual trust following a division caused by at least one person’s unfairness. In my view, giving and receiving forgiveness precede genuine reconciliation, otherwise remnants of resentment can make people stand a bit to one side and not enter into a relationship as before.”

(Robert Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice, p. 263)
Posted June 2, 2020 at https://www.facebook.com/internationalforgiveness

If you would like to subscribe to the Forgiveness Factor Community please go to https://mailchi.mp/b441e8770b36/forgivenessfactorcommunity

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When I look at my struggles to forgive myself, I come face to face with SHAME.               https://mailchi.mp/e7ff2d579026/forgiveness-factor-06_22_2020